Thursday, October 02, 2008

USS George W. Bush - a joke continues.

There is a joke email making the rounds among Republicans...3 new naval vessels are supposedly being launched and the email shows pictures and describes the specs.  The USS Reagan is (appropriately) a massively expensive behemoth--a war hawk's wet dream of a floating city-sized arsenal.  The USS Clinton is an unarmed slow ship made of recycled materials docked in Canada whose only mission is to appease.  Finally the USS Barack Obama is simply shown as a rusty sinking boat teeming with refugees from Cuba (theapparent implication:  he has dark skin, so is from the third world?) .  Priceless.  Ah...such trenchant wit.  

Anyway, you get the picture  (I'm not going to drive traffic to these sites, but Google "Three New Navy Ships" and you'll find some variant of it on every right wing blog). 

I got to thinking...wait a minute--they're missing a ship in this lineup! You know the guy--that funny-talking guy they were so into for 8 years.  I had more than a little fun imagining what his Naval namesake might look like:

USS George W. Bush     [Crusader-class]
This ship (nicknamed "The Decider") is estimated to cost in excess of $700 Billion dollars.  However, since it is entirely funded by off-budget [read: perpetual crisis] dollars, the true cost could exceed 3 Trillion dollars in payments to Halliburton and Bechtel with no-bid contracts.
The sheer weight of this vessel -- 80,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 tons -- has lowered the standing of the US in the world...literally.  It has physically sunk the North American continent nearly four feet, causing New Orleans to disappear beneath the Gulf of Mexico.  The USS Bush  is equipped with onboard shadow prison cells complete with the most modern enhanced interrogation techniques...enough to take all of the Abu Ghraib and Gitmo detainees and many more.  Operating in International waters allows the crew to skirt those "quaint" Geneva conventions and saves the taxpayers money currently spent flying prisoners to Syria for extraordinary rendition.  Its enormous cargo holds can carry enough democracy to administer freedom (by force feeding or, if necessary, via other orafices) to foreign societies around the globe.
It is not known if it is actually sea-worthy, since the design was entirely faith-based. Political ideology concerns overrode all design recommendations of so called "experts"  -- the physicists, mechanical,  naval and materials engineers with their fuzzy "math" and "reality-based" science.  This intelligently-designed ship has real small town values and, in fact, was fully assembled in place at an actual small town in rural landlocked Nebraska.   These simplistic "common-sense" ideas sought to make the hands-off operations ot the vessel "idiot-proof".  However, during unmanned test runs over an 8 year period, a mentally-challenged simian operated the prototype unsuccessfully with universally catastrophic results
The vessel's low-slung decks allow it to be operated almost completely in stealth.    One tradeoff inherent to this design is that it yields an extremely limited view of the surroundings.  From such a short-range perspective, the vessel's obscenely high fuel consumption is not seen as a problem, since cheap, plentiful oil is expected to be available forever and ever.    Even in normal operations, a nearly impregnable "bubble" surrounds the commander's quarters making it nearly impossible for communications from the outside world to reach them should a change of course be neeeded.
Standing orders are to have it operated by loyal political appointees only.  People with Naval experience and elite "knowledge" need not apply. The commanding philosophy of the ship will be to jettison of all naval regulations and international standards  -- by "getting government out of the way," these true American heroes aboard can act from their gut from all times, doing God's work.  Voluntary compliance with Constitutional protocols is allowed, but not encouraged. 
This vessel specializes in reactionary missions--continually responding to situations with historical precedence, yet were completely unforseeable by anyone.   By removing weighty traditional post-mission planning facilities, the USS GW Bush was designed to quickly attain full speed -- careening headlong into conflicts (alongside its stalwart fleetmate, the USS Cheney) before anyone has time to think.  Significant cost savings were achieved by eliminating navigational systems, which were deemed unnecessary.  This leaves the decision entirely with the states as to which dark-skinned oil-rich country is to be invaded next. Interestingly, it is the horrific wake of this ship which has proven to be particularly devastating to the environment and the global economy.  As such, many nations no longer want anything to do with it and have denied it entry to their coastal waters.

No comments: